Banned from zoo.
Again?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
