you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
