I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
