Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
