I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
