Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
