I bet he comes in French.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
