I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm like, not good at living.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
