Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
