The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
