I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
