Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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