I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize