C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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