Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
