Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
