I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
