your room smells of hookers.
And success
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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