I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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