new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
