I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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