last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
