i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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