my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
