ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
