I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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