I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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