i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
