What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
