Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
