not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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