I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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