please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
