I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
No...this little piggys going to the bar
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize