Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
