hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
