guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
