dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize