You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
