So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Randomize
