Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
