I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize