your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just high enough for therapy.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
