____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
