Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
