R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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