You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
