Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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