Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
