I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
