i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I cannot find my penis.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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