Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize