Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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