seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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