Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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