she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
