I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
50% drunk capacity currently
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
