Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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