awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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