Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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